The One Month Curse

Everyone who knows me (and probably those who don't know me), can attest that recently (my entire adult life thus far), I have had some (many) disappointments in my love life. The more I try, the worse it seems to get, see exhibit A.

Exhibit A
Nigel* (name changed to protect the identity/so I don't get sued/yelled at, bonus! 3 out of the 5 letters are in his real name) approached me the way a young gentleman would now-a-days, via the facebook. I knew him from college, we were both English majors. He started by "liking" a few pictures and then commenting on one, so a conversation sparked and plans were made. Both being bookworms, we decided to select short stories and have them read by our scheduled "hang out" so that we can discuss. (Sounds dreamy thus far) I am one of those people who enjoy texting, it breaks up my day, and I just really enjoy any form of writing and not speaking; so we would text back and forth ALL day, and talking about everything so things were looking good. The day comes and I have a plan to meet at the NYPL so that we can see the Shelley exhibit and then walk over to the $1 bookstore and then grab drinks and chat. He is on crutches so every plan fails excepts going to grab drinks, which we do and it is great, we talk about school, literature and the short stories and share a smooch. He is adorable and I liked him. Here begins my troubles, the moment I find myself interested in someone, everything falls apart. But our texts continued and he gave all the right signs, then things became frustrating, especially because he lived in a dreaded borough (it's an island, not Manhattan).  Fast forward to the second time we hang out, he is finally on 2 feet, no crutches, we meet at Washington Square Park, grab a glass of wine, get Pb&J sandwiches, go to a wine bar which has a flamenco performance, and sip sangria. It was a truly lovely time, we part ways and then NOTHING. Mind you, we have briefly kissed but nothing more/nothing less, we cannot chalk it up to being a floozy, we cannot chalk it up to being a prude, I don't have any excuses. We have brief text exchanges about books, small talk, work, etc. and then the phase out plan begins to take hold and I realize, he no longer cares to converse and so I let it go, the way I let everything go when I realize it is no longer worth my time. The reason I continually get frustrated is because I just don't think I get much of a chance to have that extended time with someone to make them fall in love with me the right way!

I don't know why my romances get cut so short, the pattern I've noticed is one month or less, so I have realized I have the one-month curse placed upon me and I will need to figure out how to have 12-1 month boyfriends for next year.

Too Short's "Blow the whistle"

*although the song lyrics don't go with this posting, I am, in essence, blowing the whistle on men who are too short, thank you.*

After being perpetually single many have asked if I have a type and for the most part I always said "not really" and I shrugged and added, "smart, funny..." the usual things one looks for in a mate. I thought this because many of the boys who had caught my eye didn't really have anything in common with each other....EXCEPT they were all short. And they all sucked, obviously since they are not with me (they are clearly distraught over this and I feel bad for them, gratuitous ego boost!) but yes, they were under 5'6". Which to me is tall since I come in at one and a half full American inches over five feet, intimidating for a third grader. The more I reflected on why I kept insisting that I liked guys who were short the more annoyed I became at myself, men who are short clearly have a complex- they are always trying to compensate for their lack of height in other ways-by being crude and overtly sexual, by participating and flaunting their participation in marathons/obstacle courses to show how manly and fit they are and mostly by being plain old jerks. As a woman I understand having to compensate for many things however I was always rooting for these little guys, I was the girl who openly wanted to date you vertically challenged bastards, but for what reason, the chances of you getting your ass beat by a 6 foot muscle man are odds I'd bet against you, you men do not make me feel any better about myself and in looking back I've always felt like I wasn't enough for them... And now here comes my epiphany-I refuse to date down anymore! No more shorties, take your Napoleon complexes to the local junior high playground, I wants me a tall glass of water(who of course is still intelligent, ambitious, funny and enjoys a scotch as much as I do). Sorry midges for the longest time I was all for your type but now I'm over it.

I thought coming out to see you would be a nice time...

So it has been about a million years since I have been taken on an official date, therefore I have had some time to reflect on past awful encounters. This one in particular makes me chuckle so I do hope you feel the same, although part of me thinks you wish you would have been there to feel the same...
When my BFF, A and her boyfriend, M, first started talking there was a night where M met us at one of our favorite Mexican restaurants and he came with one of his friends,also named M( M2 for purpose of this story, and while their names are eerily similar, their personalities unfortunately are not) Well, M2 is a good looking guy and he seemed quite into me at the restaurant and was interested in getting to know me so we talked and got to know each other. (insert red flag here) he is from Bensonhurst, which is not a neighborhood known to breed the types of guys I am interested in dating and not to say there aren't exceptions because there are exceptions to every area, however he was the very stereotypical Bensonhurst boy and I am not saying I am the smartest/most sophisticated girl but I have my good side, so I had an inkling I might be a stretch for M2. Of course there were the poorly spelled text messages and the "when are we going to hang out?" messages...but soon came the next time we all would go out.. My sister, A, and I went to get massages and planned to meet M and M2 at the bar after, we all sat talking and me being very social and still getting to know M i wanted to be part of the larger conversation that was going on at the table, but M2 wanted to only speak to me and didn't want to be part of the other conversation (red flag waving) We sat at the bar and boom there he was standing at my feet while I sat on the stool... He was rubbing my back/neck when all of a sudden, homeboy tried to put his finger in my mouth, not in the seductive way one does in the privacy of anywhere but a bar, but shoving his index finger in between my lips. Well, hey now, i am barely into PDAs but I tried to be polite and let him know that I don't like my face to be touched. But lo and behold he tried once more and I got angry. Anger is not an emotion I associate myself with, I may get sad and sensitive but I don't really get angry, but this was just uncomfortable. So we immediately left and went back to Queens; after getting home i received a few messages, one accusing me of liking M more than him (fact: M is a million times better) and then this gem of a text shortly after, "I really thought coming out to see you was going to be a nice experience" nope, sorry buddy, i also thought it would be a nice experience not bulimia practice and I guess sometimes I am not a nice experience. But lesson learned: avoid Bensonhurst like the zombie apocalypse.

Another Failed Attempt at Dating a Boy

I am writing this story as I am sitting across this guy on the train. I see him every morning now on my way to work, we get on at the same station, get into the same car and usually sit within yards of one another and yet we have not said a word to each other or even smiled/nodded/acknowledged the other and that is because we used to chat and the one time we did hang out it was so bad that I left and never spoke to him again and then he deleted and blocked me on Facebook. I'm sure your curiosity is tingling so here is the story....Facebook is a funny tool that can be used to keep friends in touch or give people the confidence to reach out and talk to someone they are interested in (those are 2 of my top 3 reasons for utilizing facebook, the third reason is to make incessant fun of the pictures people post) so this guy sent over a message and we begin an exchange, he lives in the same neighborhood (just a few blocks from where I live although I have never seen him before) and we went to college together (this was right after graduation) I recalled he had a girlfriend throughout college but I didnt know much else about him so he was interesting at first. He is very cute,although I don't really have a type I do tend to go for shorter men with dark hair and dark eyes and small builds pretty much me with a peen, so we had some conversations and one of my biggest turn offs is when a guy doesn't flat out ask for a date, we are not 16 anymore, you can make a decision on when and where to take a lady out on a date, the whole back and forth of "we should hang out" "yeah we def should" "when do you want to hang out?" "Idunno whenever is good for you" "I'm free whenever" ugh that exchange is awful, it's very simple, just say "hey I want to take you out to dinner Friday, be ready at 8" and if I reaalllyyy want to see you the answer will always be "okay!" but I digress... So we went back and forth like that for a while without ever really meeting... I was losing interest and I just had a feeling I wouldn't be into him but A said to give him a chance, there werent any blatant red flags so I continued to bullshit with him....then a former coworker invited me to a sports auction at a space in Astoria so i decided to invite him knowing that he is a big sports fan and i also asked A and then bf "douche-a-louche" to come... There were going to be a lot of people; it was business casual dress and there were some notable businessmen and A, Dbag and myself walk in and grab a drink (standard), and then I spot the boy, which is precisely what he looks like, he is wearing a striped Aeropostale polo shirt that my 13 year old cousin would wear and he brought a friend, a stranger looking Indian fellow. We all sit together and he proceeds to talk to his friend and doesn't really try to make conversation with me or include us into his conversation at all...the auction begins and they start naming some of the memorabilia they have coming out and one was a basketball signed by LeBron James, well I have never heard someone boo another in dead silence before...but that is what this boy did, so I was sufficiently mortified and i had to make a break for it, we told him we were going to grab a bite to eat and since I don't have it in my heart to tell someone to their face that I'm not going to tell them just where we were going to eat I told him I'd text him where we were going and then I never answered. He was upset because he blocked me on the blackberry messenger and on facebook (ouch) in the end he was too immature for me and just not the type of guy I'd want to date, I want my man piece to be the center of attention for being wildly funny and sharing interesting experiences and stories not for booing in a crowded room. Now when I see him on the train, he is still cute but I know I made the right decision because wherever he works he wears sweatpants and that's just lame.

Public Displays of Affection: the good the bad but mostly the ugly

Cute couple making out while I was out to lunch, by cute I mean gross.

Blog+Purgatory=Blogatory

Once again, I have fallen into Blogatory, where I have not written and basically we are all left in limbo. I know, no one has laughed since December. It's been a cruel, cruel, cruel winter. But why waste time regretting not having written the world's best stories and just write one? Because I have a number of issues, too many to list, I tried once-like my face in the morning, after a night of drinking, it was not pretty. But I digress...here is a funny story, that is also, not pretty.

This is a story that I have now told a few times and I have been told that others have shared this story with their friends and it has become "oral"...which is what shit was before "viral", but now I'm bringing it into the 21st century and putting it online. As many know, I have some questionable luck with dating; I like to be a good sport and date everyone (not in a bad way) but I never really know who I might end up clicking with so when someone offers to set me up with a friend, I go for it; this was one of those times. I don't want to slander anyone, especially because this guy is very nice and I was set up through a colleague which can always be fishy, but here it goes: photos were slyly shown to one another and it was agreed the two of us would like to meet, the initial introduction was set up for a post-work happy hour to alleviate any tension/awkwardness but upon hearing that I was being set up, my co-workers wanted to tag along, which worked for me..everything went smoothly, we sat down next to one another and talked about books and got along, he was sweet and asked for my number and I heard from him a few days later. It took a few weeks but we finally decided to go on an official date, so I took some initiative and suggested Cafe Wha? in the Village to listen to some live music, so we met again and had a great time...we walked to my train station, he gave me a quick kiss (no frenching) and I was home shortly after that, now I'll say that he lives over an hour and 2 bridge crossings away..distance isn't something that really bothers me but I need to feel like traveling to see someone is going to be worth it...which I still wasn't sure about, but he was willing to meet me in the city so it was working, for now. Our second date was supposed to be dinner, however it ended up falling on the same night as a co-worker's going away party that included a bottle of vodka and karaoke, he had made reservations at a restaurant so I met him there, and after waiting for about 30 minutes, I confronted the rude hostess who simply told me "we are very busy, obviously", OBVIOUSLY betch...SO we walked across the street and ordered a bunch of appetizers, again, good conversations, and a quick kiss (no french) and I was home.

Then came my brilliant idea to go on a double date with AB and MA, it was restaurant week in the city and I thought it'd be nice to go to a fancy dinner at a discounted price and spend some time with friends (and I wanted their opinion) so plans are set and I make reservations. We all meet at the Dream Hotel and sit in a really nice booth and have an amazing meal...........and then the bill comes. He looks at it and then passes it to MA who quickly does the calculation to split among the 2 men and says, "$170 each" to which, my date opens his wallet, looks at his cash, announces to the table "Um, I only have $91 in cash" and then fumbles with his wallet and puts it away. I immediately feel the color flush to my face, and I had to think quick and I said "I can put it on my card", at this point if you are expecting and objection from my date, you are mistaken, he looked over at me and said "Thanks, I owe ya one"....MA left the cash for him and AB, which I took and placed my credit card in the bill holder. Some time passes and the waiter comes over and asks for the cardholder to sign prior to it being charged, so I have to announce that it is my credit card and I sign and then the bill is paid, and I am $170 poorer. We end up staying at the bar for a drink which AB so generously gets for me, because at this point everyone except for my date is embarrassed about what just happened. I have my shoulder to him and I am only talking to AB and MA and we are carrying on our usual banter. The night was still young so we decide to walk over to the Gaslight for another cocktail. The crowd was very much off and it wasn't really our scene but after a long pause, my date offers to buy us "the first round", this was the only round. I try my best to avoid eye contact with him for fear that I might just turn and run out. We decide to leave and he says "Where are we off to next?"....It took all the strength I had not to fall apart...and say "Did you really think you were going to have an entire night out on $90?" I am not a fancy person and I am only materialistic with things that I buy for myself, but I don't think it was too much to ask for to have dinner paid for on a 3rd date which happened to include one of my best friends and her boyfriend. As we walked to the train station, we made small talk and I wanted to run down the stairs but I had to say 'bye', I tried to make it as quick as possible and I was horrified at his presumption that I would want to kiss him on the mouth after being so weird the entire night (I gave him the cheek, and he said "What was that?" So against my better judgment I just gave a quick kiss on the lips and rushed down the stairs to the subway. As soon as the train came above ground, I had a text message that our vibe was off tonight (no shit), after speaking to the friend who set us up (who was horrified with what happened) I expected an apology, but nope, nothing. He left on his ski trip and I did not hear anything from him up until Valentine's Day where I saw on my phone in the afternoon, a text, "Hi, happy valentine's day".

I am still single.